Brick by Boring Brick

Finally

I have been dealing with this for years now. A little bit longer than I have been with Chris. So that should tell you something. I have been dealing with something that has been holding me back from being completely happy. But you know what? I am slowly phasing that out of my life.

Piece by piece, brick by boring brick, getting it out of my system and out of my life. I am tired of being walking on my tiptoes. I am A WOMAN that has her own opinions and her originality. Who wasn't willing to settle for the first thing to come along.

I was the girl that made her own foundation, I didn't wait for friend and my husband to do it. I stepped out on my own. I am so glad that I did. I took a shovel and dug a deep hole. I buried my castle back in May 2012.

However, I am burying my trying to attempt to try. I am do not need you. I tried I really did. I have been told several times. Looking at the situation now you are another form of what I ran from the last time. So this I am not running I am just burying the belief that there is something good in this situation. There is not a single fiber in me that thinks things will change.

People say that beauty comes from the inside and I completely believe that. Because no matter how much make up you put on a pig or a man, they are still a pig and man. It's just that simple. It's called dress up. Life is not a dress rehearsal. You are on stage for everyone to see.

I feel myself feeling better with each sentence I write. I feel like the world is at my doorstep. Because I make my goals and I WORK hard to get to those goals. I don't wait on anyone else. I am not defined by my husband. I am not defined by what I watch, what I do, what I eat, or what you think of me. So as Vin told me the other day...

It's a new fiscal year and almost fall, so....
Roll Tide, Always

Fresh Start Challenge Day 25: Letters

Mother:

I love reading over your journals. I now have them everywhere I go since I have scan them and they now on my iBooks. I only wish I had gotten to know you in real life. My heart twists knowing that you died giving me life. Your excited about getting married floored me because it was like reading my own thoughts. I love reading your pregnancy journal. Seeing the other names you came up with for me makes me laugh. You were so excited about being pregnant and being a mom.

Father

We have not always agreed on everything but what parent and child does? I have respected you and you have respected me where most parents do not. You realized that I was strong and smart enough to handle myself. You instilled love, faith, hope and kindness in me. You gave me the foundation of a Godly life and I thank you so much.

We won't agree on everything in coming years and even things now. Just remember that I love you. Thank you for giving me away to the most amazing man and giving me the tiny blessing that stole my heart as well. You are an amazing man yourself. I am truly blessed at the positive impact you had on my life. So many girls complain or cannot say that about their daddy. You on the other hand make me proud to say I am daddy's little girl.

My Girls:

+Maria , +Mary Ann , +Hunter, +Jessica, +Lillian, Hannah Lombardi, and +Carolina; All of you have inspired me in each your own ways. I feel like I can conquer the world with the support and resources you each give me. The impact each of you have made on my life makes feel like I am the woman God wants me to be as I sit here writing this. I feel as though the inspiration you all give makes sense now at where I am in my life.

Jackjack

You started out in my life as my final sibling. I held you a lot when you were first born because your biological mother suffered from postpartum depression so bad she didn't even want to look at you. From the beginning she thought of giving you up for adoption. And now I gladly hold you in my arms at night. I fall in love with your smile, your giggle, you whimpers, and your voice every day. You made me a mommy. My heart clenches when you are in danger or are sick. Seeing you look at me admiringly and then look at Chris like that makes me realize why all the hard spots in my life were placed where they were because I cherish those moments.

Chris:

My other half. The only person to really see me at my worst and my best and totally fall in love with both. The person that calls to me spiritually, physically, emotionally  and soulfully. I never realized that not only would you become so important but also that you would become my best friend. I hold nothing back from you. You impacted every single faucet of my life. You build me up. You test and tempted me. You challenge me. You nurture me. You care for me. Protect me. But most of all you love me. I am always proud to say that I have never thought of leaving you and you tell me all the time there has never been a second that you have thought about leaving. How many couple doubt their relationships? I am not saying that's a bad thing because for many it's a way to show how strong their relationship is in most situation. Sometimes the pity factor gets in or the old "we've been through so much."

We have gave it our all since the very first date. I will always look back on those days and cherish the innocence they held. They showed us in our growing and learning stages of innocence. We will always been in a stage of growing and learning of something. Whether it be career, marriage, or parenting we are going to be learning and growing together. I love you so much and I thank you and the good Lord above for both loving me. 

Fresh Start Challenge Day 20: Just Let Me Talk to You

“A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her.”

― Max Lucado

He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.

The mind is not a book, to be opened at will and examined at leisure. Thoughts are not etched on the inside of skulls, to be perused by an invader. The mind is a complex and many-layered thing.

“If you cannot win at the game, if you cannot solve the puzzle, you are just a loser”-Near

The consequences of our actions are so complicated, so diverse, that predicting the future is a very difficult business indeed.

In dreams, we enter a world that's entirely our own.

Dark and difficult times lie ahead. Soon we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy.

"There were times of hardship when people forget the courage they need to keep fighting; and survive. But I think as long as we have something to believe in; to keep close in our hearts, courage will never truly leave us. We only have to reach deep in our heart to find it."

— Sakura

"A bird that has lost it's feathers can no longer sail through the sky's. And a person who has lost her memories can no longer find her way through the world she once called home. But still, I keep my faith. But as long as I have my life, new memories will be carved into the sand of time. "

— Sakura

"If you could have one wish, what would it be? We all have hopes and dreams that we do almost anything to make real. And if we get lucky, and our wish is granted, maybe that's what we call happiness."

— Sakura

For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace...-Romans 8:2-8

“Love yourself first and everything falls into line”

- Lucille Ball

"God has a most wicked sense of humor."

- Maureen O'Hara

I just wanna be right here with you
I don't want to see, see us apart
- Westlife

Boss women are classy, strong, independent, loyal and lovable. They know what they deserve and they go for it.

If she has a job, her own car, pays her bills, and manages to live comfortably before she meets you, Understand that she wants loyalty not you're money. She can finance herself.

A Strong independent woman wouldn't ask a man to do anything for that she couldn't do for herself.

If you want me it takes more than a wink more than a drink and more than you think.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'. 

Erma Bombeck

A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, 'darkness' on the walls of his cell. 

C. S. Lewis

My Best Friend

She didn't like me to begin with and I felt so insecure around her. Now she jumps on my back and I give her help with her make-up.

Mary Ann scared the hell out of me the first day at my new job. I barely spoke and I let the kids walk all over me. She point blank stood in the teacher's lounge and told me I would last long. Her perfectly even French manicure with sparkle line across it and 5 inch heels scared me.

Then my fourth day on the job I saw her wounds and scars and I halted her that day. She looked completely different. She looks scared and in that instance things changed. She started talking to me more and more. I started telling her everything about me. We would pile up in the lounge in the afternoons and talk and goof off as long as Madame said it was okay. We would write letters to parents and then talk about our lives.

She introduced me to a whole new world of make up besides vintage. She taught me how to make more and more daily looks that were inspired by vintage but wasn't completely vintage. She expanded my wardrobe giving me things she no longer wanted or needed.

We were joined at the hip after that. We have our ups and downs. She annoys me and I annoy her. But we have each other's back in an instant no matter the circumstances. Heck our significant others are even twins. So we will be sisters soon.

MIA

Sometimes God’s Will is Finding True Love with God

The Best Friend

We have been friends since my second day on the job. She has been one of my best friends since the first time Chris walked through the door of my work. Why? Her firsts words when she saw him? “I’m having sex just by looking at him—Oh my God that’s your boyfriend?!?!” I have shared many laughs with her ever since.

But she isn’t laughs once she goes home. At first I just noticed the change in her when we would go to the mall or hang out with Hannah. Then the first time she stayed with me I realized that Mary Ann wasn’t just right. I love her like a sister. She knows I’m writing this I got permission.

Her Past

She has traveled the world like I have. We have been to some of the same exotic places, and then are some places we have been to that the other one hasn’t.  It became clear to me that she felt that her parents were against her. They shoved her in a private boarding school for girls and then during the summer let her vacation wherever she wanted as long as she could find someone to go with her. I noticed that there was distained in her voice especially when talking about her father.

She finally confessed that she hated how she was living. She knew that witchcraft bull wasn’t for her. She also confessed that she has seen at least different psychiatrists. Then everything started following into place. She always has huge bangles on her wrists or sports cuffs.

Help

I invited her to church because I wanted her to see me to shock my pastor. He leads the college group. His favorite Disney movie is Mulan and his favorite scene is where she has the climb the pole with the weights. He wanted us to climb the flag pole that didn’t have flag on it yet. I smiled because I wasn’t going to shock him the first week. Now there several guys that tried and he was giving us several weeks to prep to try. I finally stood up that night and told MIA (her nickname) my pastor blanched at me. I got a good grip and swung myself up and climb it almost effortlessly.  MIA was laughing.

No one was expecting innocent me to climb the pole that so many jocks and other guys had tried to climb. I did it in less than a minute. MIA was the first one to hug me when I came down. My pastor asked how I did that. I told him honestly and straight forth; I can pole dance. I do it for fitness and strength. He nodded. He didn’t even flinch. MIA was taken aback by how accepting he was of everything.

She started going to church even when I wasn’t there. She stopped smoking right after her birthday party. As for the drinking, we cleaned out her liquor cabinet and stocked it with wine. However, as much as I am around her I do have my own life. Her depression rises and the self-mutilation still happens. She is loud and crazy is social events. Home and quiet places she gets antsy. However….

Him

I have wrote about him before on blog. If you go to my Crohn's Awareness posts that’s where you will find him. Frankie is my boyfriend twin/triplet brother. They are identical (when Frankie shaves his beard.) He has suffered from Crohn's for six years now.

As far as his disease goes he has an amazing strength about him. Sure he doubts sometimes about finding the strength to go on. Many people can't put themselves in that situation of knowing that you will never be cured for the sickness that you have. Many of think well I'll go to the medical center and get a prescription antibiotic and bam cured. His isn't like that all. Doctor's don't even claim to have a cure for Crohn's. Frankie is literally in the top 25 worst cases in the world. Not the US, the world is where his name sits on that list. He has to be extremely careful with what he eats, what he does, and what even thinks about. Stress is the worst enemy for him.

Them

A crazy thought occurred to me about three weeks ago. Frankie was very upset about a friend of his and we had 3 tickets to see Breaking Dawn Part: 2 so I suggested he go with me and Mary Ann. They got to know each other a little bit better than they already did. Then the lovely night that I ran to think they talked together.

After that night while I was watching them. I seen a happiness in his eyes and hope in hers. He was grinning from ear to ear and she was blushing, something neither of them do. The next day at work I told her to take him either out to lunch or take him lunch because I didn't know if he was feeling out for the public. He wasn't in great health that day. She took him to Chikfila.

Then they spent that night in Chris' living room getting to know each other. He played her and entire concert and they made ornaments together. They were hilarious. He couldn't stop grinning and she couldn't stop blushing and giggling. They couldn't stay away from each over the weekend. The boys and I went to Tuscaloosa for Thanksgiving, Black Friday, and the Iron Bowl game. She joined us in Tuscaloosa on Thanksgiving night to go shopping. Which was extra funny because she dared Frankie to buy her a pair of underwear in exchange for her paying for lunch. Oh and he did. A nice pair of black lacy cheekies.

They are still enjoying time together and they are taking things slow which I totally approve. However, I do love watching them gush about each other. They are waiting with baited breath for this weekend. Tomorrow he has a special date for her.and this weekend we are all going ice skating.