Day 5: Last Resort

Have I ever thought about ending my own life?

Yes, I have. Shhh I can hear all the gasps.
You have to realize what losing your sister who you have shared a room with all of your life is like to understand that even though my faith is strong part of me still wanting it all to end.

I thought about it twice. Once was right after her funeral. Nobody was going to miss me so I went for a walk. I walked to the bridge. I cried and cried on that bridge. I was able to see the tops of the trees where we found her body. I sat on the side of the bridge.

What stopped me from jumping? My shoe fell off. I watched it as it fell and I knew then I wouldn't jump.

The second time I considered ending my life, I almost succeeded.

My brothers were/are still upset about what happened to Charlotte just as I was. They aided in me trying to kill myself but they didn't know it at the time. I purposefully let Jared's knife slammed into my side. I ran from my brothers. They thought I was going to tell dad and instead I ran where we found her. Jared realized what I had done and chewed me out. After his talk with me I realized that Charlotte wouldn't want that and neither would my mother.

A Butterfly's Wings

This past weekend emotionally hit me, boyfriend and his brother hard. Our close friend and one of my best friend deals with depression and self harming. I know, I know she needs professional help. I got news for you people she is on her 4th shrink.

I don't know how I would deal if my parents always promised to come see me on Christmas Day and they never did. They will come see her on different holidays, but Christmas they promise and then they never do. She has been upset by a lot. Her past kept haunting her and she was jealous of me...

I wasn't proud of that at all. I knew how much Mary Ann struggled with her depression and knowing that she was jealous of me didn't make things easier with me helping her to cope. However, I swear God has these angels he likes to call Rasbrowen/Raposo brothers.

When she cut (over 50 slashes to herself and two of them going up and down) on Friday night/Saturday morning that threw us all for a loop. I went to sleep feeling like something wasn't right. I knew Mary Ann had been off tonight. She had confessed to Chris' brother Frankie she liked him. I woke up about 3:45 sweating and I was browsing my Facebook (because isn't that what everyone does when they can't sleep?) I seen the following and I bolted out of my bed pulling on a sweatshirt over my tshirt and trying to move Jackjack without waking him and calling Chris:

Mary Ann's status from two hours before was haunting me. Frankie would watch Jackjack while Chris and I would go check on her. She wouldn't answer the door so Chris being his self resorts to busting down the door like he does when he is on duty with the fire department. What he did next left my mouth hanging open.

She was dizzy and fuzzy from blood loss. Chris check to make non of the slashes were to wide or long and then stripped her down to her underwear and then lifted her into the bathroom. I was horrified at the blood in her house. He flipped on the water and proceeded to haul her right into the shower with her screaming that it hurt and was too hot. He didn't say a word. When he asked for a wash cloth I didn't hesitate I could tell he was in mode to not be messed with. He scrubbed her slashes while she screamed that he was soap and it burned. 

I remember thinking it was odd that he looked relieve that she was screaming and begging him to stop. He explained to me later that his younger brother who used to cut didn't mind water or soap because he liked the pain and sensation. Mary Ann was different, very different. Chris (who is still fully clothed and in the shower with her) flipped the water to cold. I learned that was to constrict her blood vessels. He grabbed a shabby looking towel and dried her off. (I can remember thinking this is weird like 50 Shades and Leila and that thought made me almost laugh.)

What Chris did next made me gasp and made Mary Ann scream. He pour alcohol (not peroxide) onto the slashes. I know that had to be torturous with all of those cuts. She was swearing at him and screaming for him to stop. She finally called him a son of a b****. He laughed and said told her she the nail on the head with that one. She hated that he laughed and decided to call him a bastard. He was quiet for a second and then smiled and said that it was pretty much true. He told her that she could bite him if the next gash hurt when he put the alcohol in. She did and she said she almost passed out from the pain. She started crying that it hurt and he told her that cutting hurts more than just her.

He wrapped her in bandages and then lifted her to me. She looked like a poodle with her wrists and lower legs bandages. Chris went and dug through her clothing until he found loose fitting pajamas. I sat there and dried her hair while Chris talked to Frankie explaining what had happened.

Poor Frankie hadn't slept at all that night learning about self harm. It should when he brought Jackjack over to Mary Ann's. I was so afraid that Frankie was going to look at her with disgust. He looked at her with concerned instead. He handed me Jackjack and walked over to her (while looking at the blood) and sat beside her and searched her eyes. I could tell she almost started crying because you could see the concern in his face and the caring and possible love in his eyes.

He took her hand and started to drawing a butterfly on the back of her hand. He explained to all of us what he had found out while researching self harming. This is called the Butterfly Project:

1. When you feel like you want to cut, take a marker, pen, or sharpies and draw a butterfly on your arm or hand.
2. Name the butterfly after a loved one, or someone that really wants you to get better.
3. You must let the butterfly fade naturally. NO scrubbing it off.
4. If you cut before the butterfly is gone, you’ve killed it. If you dont cut, it lives.
5. If you have more than one butterfly, cutting kills all of them.
6. Another person may draw them on you. These butterflies are extra special. Take good care of them.
7. Even if you don’t cut, feel free to draw a butterfly anyways, to show your support. If you do this, name it after someone you know that cuts or is suffering right now, and tell them. It could help.

He drew one on his own hand to show her that he was there for her as well. He took her leg and drew a Cookie Monster on her and told if she cut that she wouldn't get any cookies. Frankie sees himself as Cookie Monster because he eats at least 30 cookies of some sort a day. For her this was amazing. We fed her and Chris made her chase him to get her blood pumping. We spent the rest of the day having fun (including Alabama beating Georgia!)

What bothered me was what would have happened had Chris and I not busted down her door (Chris is paying to have it fixed btw.) Would we have found dead? Would she have finally come to her senses? 

I knew she self harmed, but I never dreamed I'd see it first hand. I had begged her to stop. I think part of me blames myself because I had pushed her to stop smoking (but that's equally as bad.) She had stopped smoking. 

Frankie stood out among every man I know last night. I knew the self harmed had bothered him because of his own past. His and Chris' baby brother was a huge self harmer and their own mother committed suicide and poor Frankie had tried to rip his own IV out when he couldn't get better.

Frankie had been working a basket for her. I was afraid a bear, food, and flowers would fade fast. He shocked his whole family and friends because he didn't put food and flowers (he did put a bear.) He gave her a stress ball that looks like a cookie that says if she wanted to release everything squeeze the cookie ball. 

If she wanted to cry, cry into the handkerchiefs that he had printed with sayings like: You are beautiful. You are can go on. You are worth more than what anyone tells you. He gave her two boxes of Twinings Tea that said if she wanted to drink to drink the tea. If she wanted to get high, stand on the foot stool he included and smell his shirt. He wrote on a water gun if she wanted to shoot herself use the it. He took off her bandages and put in it a picture saying if she wanted to her blood then look in the pictures frames with butterflies on them nonetheless. If she wanted to reminder of why she should go on use the note with his information and listen to her heart beat with the stethoscope. He also put a cd and a journal in there. However, the best thing he did. He went and had 3000 pictures printed of her and gave her a pair of dull scissors and told her to cut herself up all she wanted but he didn't want to see anymore scars.

His entire family and several friend was astounded by that last night. It was amazing. These are the guys that give girls hope when the rest of the population of men fail. 

Do not get discourage there is people out there that care this much about you if you are a self harmer. Take what he gave her and use it for yourself.

Mary Ann has now opened up completely. Not only has she cut before, she has also carved, she has also punched mirrors and glass windows to bruise and cut herself, she has scratched until her first layer of skin was gone, she has bit to the point that she made blood, she has pulled at her hair on her arms, put staples in herself and also embedded nails in her body. 

To many older adults they look at in disgusts saying these people just want attention. They do because they are not able to deal with life. I know many of us deal with life without self harm or drugs. Hopefully with time so will Mary Ann. She got saved Sunday so that's a start. 

Shocking fact:

Though not exclusively, the person seeking treatment is usually from a middle to upper class background, of average to high intelligence, and has low self-esteem. Nearly 50% report physical and/or sexual abuse during his or her childhood. Many report (as high as 90%), that they were discouraged from expressing emotions, particularly anger and sadness. - Mental Health America

The above video is from a website that has a great way to help people who self harm. I am checking into the iPhone App right now. Below are the numbers to help yourself or someone you love or care about. Please don't disregard what these people go through it could mean their life.

Depression Hotline: 1-630-482-9696

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433

LifeLine: 1-800-273-8255 

Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386 

Sexuality Support: 1-800-246-7743 

Eating Disorders Hotline: 1-847-831-3438 

Rape and Sexual Assault: 1-800-656-4673 

Grief Support: 1-650-321-5272 

Runaway: 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000 

Judgement of Life

I am not a perfect person. No one is. Everyone is entitle to their opinion. Therefor no matter where you turn there are people that are going to judge you. Now I hear people who say, "They did it to me, I'm going to do it back." Its not going to work. I guarantee it is not going to work nor will it really make you feel much better. I admit I would love to show some revenge on some people that has tried to bring my life lower. Though I look at now, and I realize I something that most of the people who have done that didn't have something and they were jealous of me.

From the girl that made fun of my accent when I came here. I realize now I shouldn't have changed my accent to fit in. She was probably jealous that I had pictures of Paris all over everything. To the cheerleader that was my cousin and that felt the need to push me out of her life because I wasn't cool enough. We have actually talked about that now, she resented me because she had to live with me. (I know a few jaws just dropped.)

I was raised being Jamie from a Walk To Remember. I didn't smoke pot ever. I never touch a drug that wasn't prescribed to me. People want to know why? Well for starters I wasn't cool enough to be invited. Did it hurt at the time? Yes. Do I regret it now? No. I still have what few people my age have; virtue, morals, and belief. I see so many people faking their beliefs. I'm not talking about the people who are screwing up daily because I do that. But the people who see that they have to live up to expectations and pretend to saved or not saved.

I hate going into churches where you walk in and you feel like the outsider. People are glaring, sneering, and shocked. My youth pastor once told this to us one time when we had a lot new visitor joining us and someone made a scene because they weren't able to sit on their couch.

"A hippie-looking man who parked his car in the church lot one Sunday morning when a man drove behind him and yelled, "You took my place!"

So the man moved his car and went inside in time for coffee fellowship, got a cup and sat a a table. A woman came up and said, "You took my place."

In the sanctuary the man sat down in a pew and sure enough, a man came in shortly and growled at him, "You took my place." 

Etc., etc., etc.

Near the end of the service, the visitor got up and stood before the altar and held out his hands so that everyone could see the nail holes in his palms. 

Then he said, 'I took your place.'"

Quite honestly, that's what everyone says. Its my church, no its God's church. " For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” - Matthew 18:20. I am not a preacher by any means. I know sometimes it seems like I am because one of my best friends was also a daughter of a fire and brimstone preacher. She and I have had a lot of great talks. I have learned a lot at my father's knee and I am finally using it.

I have people that come to me with questions. Normally I tell them to talk to Genevieve but here lately she sends them back to me. I have been reading and watching a lot of things here lately. Yes gay marriage is wrong by the Bible. Though, you don't pointedly point out a liar, a woman that cheats on her husband, a man that curses in front of his son. Those same people that kill themselves because no one reached out to them. By reaching out I don't mean tell them "God hates you." God hates sins. I've had several parents say well I don't want my daughter/son hanging out with them kind of people. Then its apparent your child can be easily swayed by the Devil's temptation.

We all want attention. Sometimes it seems like God has forgotten us, betrayed us, and let us down. But how many times have we betrayed him, forgotten to thank him for the blessings he gave us, or let him down. "I'll go to church next Sunday, just not today. Oh yeah I just passed all those tests, let me go celebrate by getting drunk. God d*** I hate my family!" But there is a difference between man and God. If someone let you down, betrayed you, and forgot about you, how easily could love that person, how easily could you open your arms to them? That's exactly what God does.

For the people who tell me, "I don't like to be judge." Ok, let me ask you this, then why do you judge others? Let me hit you with another Bible verse. One many people don't know is a Bible verse. Its in class rooms, its one of the first rules kids learn. Luke 6:31 says, "Do to others as you would have them do to you." God is going to judge you. Don't like it? Pray about it. But don't be shocked by the results of that prayer.

I've had people come to me and say "How can I go back after all that I have done?"  Because God isn't man. God forgives, as long as you mean it, and believe it in your heart.

"God didn't give me what I want." Very simple. He has something bigger and better.

Few know my story, few know Genevieve's story but the ones that do are amazed. We don't know why though, we are regular people sinning and repenting every day.

"How can I ask for forgiveness when I have sinned so much?" This is my favorite thing about God (and sometimes the thing I like least) you cannot hide anything from God, he knows everything. Luke 12:7 "The very hairs on your head are numbered..." Just plainly ask him to forgive him of your sins. But in the same time don't forget to give him praise for the blessings, even if its something small like you didn't hit a single red light and weren't late for work. Hehehe yep been there.

I have many more religious posts to go in my days, but this one speaks volumes to me for its something I need to work on myself and the world needs to work on as well. I'm sure this won't be my last post on judgement.

Please take 15 minutes out of your day to watch the clip from below.