Friday, February 15, 2013

Turn the Page

Today begins two new chapters in my life.

For the rest of my life I am no longer single (unless something happens to Chris.) Our engagement party is today. After this people will know it is legit. It exhilarates me. I have someone in my life who actually wants to spend the rest of his life with me. So yes he put a ring on it. I couldn't be any happier about that. We are starting a big chapter in our lives with this step. One where our stories will overlap. Our stories already interweave together.

Our engagement party is tonight. We were going to do it with a 50s theme but since we have had to shorten the time so we can get to Memphis we are going with elegance. My best friend is jumping up and down because I get to wear my hair all fancy. She was so excited when we changed the theme for tonight. She has dubbed my hair style for tonight as being mermaid style. Not really sure what that means but I think I will post pictures of it tonight or she will one.

I know the party will go smoothly no matter what. It's our families getting together for the first time so it's food, music, and small talk. I feel confident about tonight because well really I don't know. I guess it's just because with the other trials in my life the party tonight pales in comparison. Yes we are getting engagement presents but that doesn't matter to me. Maybe I'm wrong in saying that but I feel like I have more pressing issues and I know the party is suppose to take my mind off of those things but I'm not sure that it will.

It's after the party I'm worried about because this begins a gigantic chapter in my life. The last time I went through the doors at St. Jude's I was a patient's sister. When I go through those doors this time I'm his mom. I cannot describe how differently I feel. 1) I have grown attached to Jackjack like he was my own. 2) The last time through those doors my dad and stepmom were the ones taking responsibility for Jackjack.

Those papers that scattered my dad's hotel bed will be the papers I stare at trying to decipher them. The words that I didn't understand and didn't want to sound stupid by asking what they meant I will have to know. Realizing that those cries coming from Jackjack may not always be soothed away by a cookie or a gentle song. I feel helpless slightly. I know God has Jackjack and me in His hands but I feel so out of place already. I'm scared that other mothers will laugh and scoff at me. I know I shouldn't but it has crossed my mind several times.

I just ask that all of you keep Jackjack in your prayers. We have surgery and chemo starts.

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