I want you to know that I am so proud to be your daughter. The life you gave me has been incredible. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you. If only for a brief moment I think of you.
I have been thinking of you a lot. The thoughts of you are consistent now because Jackjack is in my life permanently. I understand now your journals, how you talked of loving my dad and loving me even though you never laid eyes on me. Even in the end, you died giving me life. I would do the same for Jackjack. It is not a question to me.
I used to wonder what you thought of me. If I made you proud but then my grandparents, your parents, gave me your journals. I spent hours reading them. I finally got to enjoy your scent because your perfume lingered inside the pages. Pages of memories, regrets, anxieties, hopes, dreams, and goals are what I read daily for a few weeks after my return from Paris to finally meet your family.
I did what you wanted me to do in my life. I am still striving to be even more what is expected of me. I am a Christian lady. No many young girls of my generation can say that they feel lady like. So many think that they have to prove themselves and go against their parents. Sadly, many of my generation end up in failed marriages, babies that they can't afford, and dashed dreams. I feel bad for them. Life isn't about happiness and I can't stress that enough to everyone. Life is to glorify God.
I want to be more ladylike. You wrote in your journals how you would have tea and crepes. Your best friend was wild and rambunction. I know how you felt. My best friend is like that too. I haven't shared a lot about you to her. I keep certain parts hidden from everyone. You being one of them because it feels like I'm just getting to know the person that you were. Your journals, home videos, and drawings have helped me establish in my mind what you would have been like had I gotten the chance to live my life with you guiding me.
However, I know you are guiding me. Who else would give me a man that thinks over everything and can push my buttons and push my boundaries without overstepping them? A man that is in the military, shows respect for people, and has utmost respect for me, and he has proposed mother. It finally happen. I have found someone to walk with me in love.
I realize you have watched me grow but it's so nice getting this out where I can express my feelings to you. I want you to know that I'm sorry for the things I have done in my past that I have made you ashamed and I'm sorry for not always staying on the path of God. I try so hard but I fall short. That doesn't mean I give up. I know that at the end of the day God is all that matters. Not love, gun controls, job, or even friendship, just my relationship with God. If any parts of my love, beliefs, job, or friendships are not Godly I know to turn my back on them. Plant a seed of hope and faith then let God take the control.
Even when things are hard right now. Between Jackjack being so sick, Grandpa dying, people lying to me and my friends, to getting yelled at for caring too much, and to trying to juggle seventeen things at once, I know God is using all of this. I signed my cards, I'm all in for God. All of my chips are in the pile. I am going to work harder on reaching all of my goals for this year.
I love you so much. I really miss you even if I never got to meet you. I will strive to be the best woman for you and for God. You only wanted what God wants of me. I am fixing to open up even more to my friends because I know that they are family. They deserve to know what goes on in my life as well.