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Today begins two new chapters in my life.

For the rest of my life I am no longer single (unless something happens to Chris.) Our engagement party is today. After this people will know it is legit. It exhilarates me. I have someone in my life who actually wants to spend the rest of his life with me. So yes he put a ring on it. I couldn't be any happier about that. We are starting a big chapter in our lives with this step. One where our stories will overlap. Our stories already interweave together.

Our engagement party is tonight. We were going to do it with a 50s theme but since we have had to shorten the time so we can get to Memphis we are going with elegance. My best friend is jumping up and down because I get to wear my hair all fancy. She was so excited when we changed the theme for tonight. She has dubbed my hair style for tonight as being mermaid style. Not really sure what that means but I think I will post pictures of it tonight or she will one.

I know the party will go smoothly no matter what. It's our families getting together for the first time so it's food, music, and small talk. I feel confident about tonight because well really I don't know. I guess it's just because with the other trials in my life the party tonight pales in comparison. Yes we are getting engagement presents but that doesn't matter to me. Maybe I'm wrong in saying that but I feel like I have more pressing issues and I know the party is suppose to take my mind off of those things but I'm not sure that it will.

It's after the party I'm worried about because this begins a gigantic chapter in my life. The last time I went through the doors at St. Jude's I was a patient's sister. When I go through those doors this time I'm his mom. I cannot describe how differently I feel. 1) I have grown attached to Jackjack like he was my own. 2) The last time through those doors my dad and stepmom were the ones taking responsibility for Jackjack.

Those papers that scattered my dad's hotel bed will be the papers I stare at trying to decipher them. The words that I didn't understand and didn't want to sound stupid by asking what they meant I will have to know. Realizing that those cries coming from Jackjack may not always be soothed away by a cookie or a gentle song. I feel helpless slightly. I know God has Jackjack and me in His hands but I feel so out of place already. I'm scared that other mothers will laugh and scoff at me. I know I shouldn't but it has crossed my mind several times.

I just ask that all of you keep Jackjack in your prayers. We have surgery and chemo starts.

Mixed Emotions

I'm really confused right now with everything going on. I know God has plan and purpose for everything. I just need a little bit of guidance on how to handle everything and what should I do first.

So last week was a wonderful trip to Disney World. I came in the top 25 runners of the Tower of Terror 10 miler. It felt great during the race. However, it was so humid during it that it felt like I was breathing oven air. I was a nice sweaty mess afterwards. I washed off with wet wipes and stuck my head under a sink faucet and put foam mousse into it and then put my hair under the hand dryer (Disney beauty at it's finest.) We stayed in the park until at least 4 in the morning because it was opened to those of us who ran 10 miles and our family and friends.

The trip really was wonderful. Yeah it rained and it was extremely humid, but we were able to look beyond that. We did a lot of shopping and shows that I know I had never really explored before and I've been there several times in my life. (I'll be honest. I did more shopping this time because I was desperate for some air conditioning.) Chris and I danced in the rain. I spent long hours in the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. I still never get bored there. I am almost finished my collection of wands. To me a trip to Orlando is not complete without a stop at WWoHP!

When we came home I knew I had school work to do. I did manage to remember my Google course that was due on the 10th. I did a review on the class HERE. I did get to take a survey on the class today. I cannot wait to get my certification from Google. For me it means more knowledge and I really love that.

Now for the part of the blog that has me upset. I got a message around 9 on Monday night from my dad. "You need to get to Memphis as fast as you can." My blood went cold and one thing came to mind; Jackjack. I packed two days worth of clothes in a bag and left immediately. I drove all night. I cut corners getting there as fast as I could. I'll admit I was speeding. I know at one point I was literally going 90 mph. I went to the hospital only to find Jackjack fine and my oldest brother sitting there. He looked sort of ashen to me when he turned to me and told me to go to the hospital.

I was so scared it was dad. Let me make it clear that for most people my age my dad is like a grandfather agewise. I pulled in and I come face to face with my other brothers. I really start to panic because I know it has to be severe for them to come out of their shells. Job looked at me and said, "She's gone." I stared at him. And may God forgive me for thinking this but my mind flashed with "Oh my God. She killed dad and took his money." I was afraid that dad was telling me to get there because he knew she was about to kill him.

However, I heard dad's voice, but then what was Job talking about. Dad was asking for me. I went to him and he had tears in his eyes. It finally dawned on me. My stepmom hadn't just left this time. She had taken the last resort to get away from everything. Dad hugged me for a long time. He asked me had I talked to Viv who is my stepsister, who is pregnant. I hadn't and I really didn't want to be the one to tell her that her mother was gone.

Everything the next day was a blur for me. I was stunned. My mind kept going to Jackjack, Jonah, John, Jacob, and Viv. What does it take for a mother to not want to raise her children or see her grandchild? It has bothered me all along. It has hit my immediate family, for the most part, hard. My oldest brothers never really had anything to do for her and they wouldn't even go to the funeral so they are staying with Jackjack. The funeral is in Paris, where she was from growing up.

I am in Paris as I write the last part of this blog. We are in a nice hotel because Lance (Viv's husband) said that we would spend the rest of the time here at his house, but he wanted to stay in a hotel for now. I had no problem with staying in a hotel for the night. Chris, of course, hide me a surprise in my luggage. I have a new novel  and journal. That man never stops amazing me and I love him more everything day.

I leave you all for now.

Go For the Gold this Month!!!!

Chili's Grill & Bar began its Create a Pepper to Fight Childhood Cancer promotion for St. Jude in 2002 in its Memphis-area restaurants. For me back then cancer was all the same. By the time it reached our Chili's in Alabama during our break before school started I just always thought it was leukemia. I've become a lot wiser and knowledgeable about cancers and the different kinds.

My first dose of cancer in my life started with mother of my stepmom I have now. All I heard was she had colon cancer. I realized then when trying to understand what was going on then that there were several kinds. Aurora, came into my life as a friend and family and she had always had cancer. She has been fighting it all of her life. Before I knew him personally Chris had to battle cancer. Now here I am with it as close to me as it ever has been. My tiny baby brother, Jackjack, suffers from Childhood Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia.

So we are in the first week of September which actually is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. I have never made this a big deal before because honestly I wasn't aware of it. I colored the pepper at Chili's but I never put much thought into where the donation was going. This time when I make my pepper look like Harry Potter I will be dedicating it to Jackjack. And Chris has said that he will be drawing the Incredibles Logo on his.

If you want to learn more please click below:

• National Cancer Institute
• St. Jude's Children Hospital
• Cure Childhood Cancer

Be sure to Create Your Pepper and Donate!

Chili's Create A Pepper